I’m an expat wife slash stay-at-home mum. I have two kids. And a nanny. I live in sunny Dubai.
I stay in my pyjamas most of the time. And when I feel like going out, I ditch them for a sexy bright-coloured bikini or some nice clothes I bought at the mall with my husband’s money. Cause I don’t work, you see. I see my kids too rarely, I have to admit, as our nanny is taking care of them while I am at the nail bar or the hairdresser, making sure to look decent. Being home all day, I owe that my husband. It’s the least I can do for him.
I am an expat wife slash stay-at-home mum. I have two kids. And a nanny. I live in sunny Dubai.
Only two lines and you have my life all figured, am I right? And I don’t blame you.
“How is it living in a place where it is summer all year?”, people would ask. Or:
“How is it not having to go to work and being home all day?”
“It’s great”, I would answer. “I love it”.
And it is. It is great. And I love it. What I don’t add is “but I wish I had some time to myself sometimes.”
It’s the one thing you can’t tell people when you are a stay-at-home mum.
How dare you – you, stay-at-home mum, who lives in sunny Dubai, who can stay in her pyjamas all day if she wants and has nothing else to do than looking after the kids? How dare you be so egoistic? So ungrateful?
I’ve always been a workaholic. I got up at 5.30 to rush to work and stopped working late at night. And I loved it. Few understanding did I have for women who chose to stay at home after they had kids. Even less when they complained about how tired they were or about their busy lives. I wish my problems were as small as taking care of a sleeping baby, I would think, while I was rushing to another meeting. And I don’t blame my younger me. I forgive you. Cause few did I know back then about what it means to be a mum.
I did work hard before I had kids. I really did. And I was tired sometimes. That’s when I took some time off. To recharge my batteries. To keep me going. To achieve this oh so sought-after “work-life-balance” all companies are talking about (I am not a huge fan of this expression by the way, as if “work” and “life” were two completely different things but that’s a different story…). It was well-deserved. It was needed. Everyone was even expecting me to do so. Taking some time for myself was absolutely ok. Nobody would have ever questioned that. After all, I was working hard all week.
Then I had my first child. And I quit my job. I quit the stressful craziness of my working days that I loved so much. As you can imagine, only taking care of my baby was not what I initially wanted to do. But when you lay your newborn down to check out day-care possibilities (none of which seems appropriate to take care of your baby because, let’s face it, even though the nursery teachers might do a fabulous job, it remains their JOB. They will never replace your presence as a mum, they will never do the things exactly as you would want them to be done. Even the most loving nursery teacher will never love your child as you love him…), it suddenly becomes very tempting to postpone this painful separation for a while. To hold your baby a little bit longer. Add a move to another country when your baby is just about three months old and you easily abandon the idea of returning to work all together. At least for a while.
So I decided to become that expat wife slash stay-at-home mum. That wife who is using her husband’s credit card. That mum whose only concern is to play with the kids and to buy them clothes and toys all day. That mum who can go to the beach every day and doesn’t have to spend hours in a dark and unfriendly office.
Yes, exactly that one.
And I DO use my husband’s credit card. You’re right. I DO try my very best to play and entertain the kids all day. I DO have the chance not to sit in an office all day.
But I still DO work. I parent. I play. I love. I am a jumping monkey and an Indian hiding in a teepee. I am a juke box and a pillow. I am a cook and a personal shopper. I am a nurse and a magician. I am a sport coach and a taxi driver. A psychologist and a coordinator. I am a mum. I am a mum every day and night of the week.
I am a mum. And I am ONLY that.
When I became a stay-at-home mum, I gave up a little bit of my independence. And a bit of my self-confidence. And, apparently, I also gave up the right to have some time to myself.
Try to answer the question “How is it to be home all day?” with an honest “I wish I had more time to myself”. It doesn’t work. People don’t get it. They just don’t.
They don’t know how it is when the only conversations you have for some days are the ones you hold with your two-year old toddler. When you go to the supermarket only to see some adults sometimes.
They don’t know how it is to be constantly followed by a tiny human. That you love more than anything else in the world. But that is still following you everywhere. Every single second of the day.
They don’t know how it is to have given up on nice clothes. And high heels. And make up that goes beyond a splash of BB cream and a bit of mascara.
They don’t know. And I don’t blame them.
“How is it living in a place where it is summer all year?”, people would ask. Or:
“How is it not having to go to work and being home all day?”
“It’s great”, I would answer. “I love it”.
Hi there! I’m Tani De Gregorio. The one behind this little blog. ‘Our big Dubai adventure’ started about three years ago when I quit my job in a multinational in Switzerland to follow my husband to sunny Dubai where we are living now with our two little munchkins, Luca (3) and Maëva (nearly 2).
This blog is not about the glamorous life of an expat wife. There’s just too many baby wipes and too few high heels in my life for that.
Instead, it’s about our daily adventures in the sandpit. About motherhood away from home. It’s about the kids. About fun things for them to do. Things you might not have heard of otherwise. It’s about workshops. And cool places to explore. In this amazing city we call home. At least for a little while…
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I love this! Thank you!
I am a mum to a two year old boy, and we are currently on an expat assignment in Papua Guinea. Our next move will either be Jakarta, or Dubai. If it’s Dubai, I would love to connect with you and hear about your experience living in the city.
Thank you
Sure! All the best or the move
I am so glad I read this as the first thing in the morning! Couldn’t agree more. Take care!
Glad you enjoyed reading it
[…] or a few minutes of mingling with some grown-ups outside of our homes. This article – The One Thing I Don’t tell People as a Stay At Home Mum, by Tani of Our Big Dubai Adventure, focuses on this aspect of being a […]
Hello Tani..I enjoyed reading this and I love the emotions you stir. I admire your guts and honesty for nailing this out for others who just can’t have a grip on the life of being a MOM. Only people who is in same shoes as you can totally relate..and anyway, nevermind what other people say..
You are not alone, and only you knows your worth as a mother, as a wife, and the love you give to your family.
Continue writing!
Thanks so much! You are right. We shouldn’t care so much about what others say. Only you know how your life really looks like.
Thank you Tani..Looking forward to hear form you this week.Have a great weekend.
Beautifully said. Bravo
Thanks so much
You couldn’t have said it better! It’s bittersweet being a SAHM, but only those who actually live this life know what it means.
Thank you, Tarana! I love being a SAHM but, as for every situation, there are better and harder days
I can fully relate to your writing. We do not have our own time or space and people will never understand.
I am a stay at home mum for the last 6 years…It’s not that am not happy doing what I do now… But I really really miss going to office. Daily interaction with people ‘coz that is something I like doing to de-stress me… and I surely miss my ‘Me time terribly’
Yet for both my children I don’t mind being a stay at home mum.
You could have written more. There’s no end to it all, but the article has to end. Love
Lovely piece. Love it. I’ve been working since I left uni and am home for the first time since I had our little girl. Slowly adjusting. I’m sure a lot of other mums relate to you too
Great piece! I love your writing style.
I know I have been through these exact emotions!! Love the simplicity of your words yet very very strong!! Every mom who’s been a stay at home mom would totally relate to these words!!’
I just got back to work after being a SAHM for two years! Though I miss my boy every second, there is a part of me who loves the alone time I get for myself during the office breaks!! And also I get to see and mingle with adults on a daily basis!
Dear Tani,
just a few words to tell you that I love your writing and understand you…
I hope to have the chance to meet you again, here or there….
Alexandra (de Preux), mum of baby Mélissa, and expat wife in Kinshasa, not using her husband’s credit card, because there’s nothing to buy here!
kiss!
Hello Alexandra,
Je n’avais aucune idée que tu étais au Congo! Faut qu’on “catch up”! On sera en Suisse prochainement. Tu reviens de temps en temps?
ça me fait super plaisir d’avoir de tes news! Merci pour tes gentils mots et surtout félicitations pour votre petite Mélissa
Kiss