I first thought it was not worth writing about it. I first thought it would pass. That we would be back to normal in no time. That we would ok. But it’s not getting any better. We’re seeing all kind of doctors at every week. And there doesn’t seem to be any improvement. I feel lost.
Since she is about one month old, Maëva has diarrhoea with mucus and blood. First, everybody told me it was nothing. That it might be linked to breastfeeding. But it was not. Then, it seemed to be a lactose intolerance. But it was not. Now the doctors were suspecting a food allergy but after over a month of basically living of vegetables, fruits and rice (no dairy, no soy, no eggs, no gluten, no corn, no fish, no red meat, no bananas, no strawberries, no kiwi and the list goes on), I’m not only starving but there also is no improvement. So, the doctors are not sure anymore. Maëva is not gaining any weight. She wouldn’t take formula neither to see if that would make any difference (we tried everything, different formulas, cup feeding, me leaving the house… Any suggestions, please let me know). The blood and stool tests don’t give sufficient information. I feel like walking in the dark. The only thing that seems to be worse than having a child that is not healthy is to have a child that is not healthy and you don’t know the reason.
I wrote the text below after yet another late evening doctor visit. I hesitated to post it. Not only is this probably the most personal and emotional topic I have ever written about, especially as we have no results yet, I also know that many other children have serious illnesses. That have been diagnosed. At least, we still have the hope that it is just a stupid food allergy that we cannot identify. I should not be too worried. I should be fine. But it’s the feeling of not knowing what it is. It’s the wait. The uncertainty. The numerous doctor visits. The conflicting point of views. It’s the feeling of being alone with this. The sudden realisation that you.are.entirely.responsible.for.this.little.life. That doctors will ask you to take decisions. That, after all, it is you who decides. Because you are the mum…
“Be thankful for your beautiful children”, my mum would tell me every day after Maëva was born. “Be thankful that they are healthy. Be thankful that you can hold them in your arms.”
“I am, mum”, I would answer every time, “I really am”, holding the phone over which I was talking to my mum between my chin and left shoulder, trying to give the pacifier to the baby who was starting to cry on my right arm, keeping an eye on my eldest one who was playing in the corner.
Of course, I was. Thankful, I mean. Just like I was thankful that I was healthy myself. And my husband.
But thankfulness easily turns into normality. That’s how it is. That’s how we humans function. Otherwise, we would constantly worry, constantly live with the fear of getting ill. That something bad could happen. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be able to function normally. To concentrate on the boredom of everyday life. Cause this boredom – to some extent – is nice and necessary.
When I was pregnant with Maëva I had this strange feeling every time we went for ultrasound. What if something was not ok? If the doctor told us that there was a problem? That she was not developing normally?
But she was. Thankfully, she was.
“Well done”, my doula would tell me in the first weeks after Maëva’s birth. “She is growing beautifully!” And she was. She really was.
And this is how you start taking health as a given…
“I am thankful, mum. I really am”, I would say. And I was. But maybe not enough.
How could I be, having never experienced what it means to have a child that is ill? I did not watch my baby for hours, just to make sure I really see every millimetre of her. I did not hold her so close she could barely breathe. I did not. She’s my second one. Second ones just go with the flow. Second ones just grow into the family. It is not the family who is turning around them. That’s how it is.
But tonight, I do. Tonight, I watch you. I watch you breathe. I watch every millimetre of you. Tonight, I hold you a bit too close. Tonight, I wish everything was alright. Tonight, I would be thankful for every tiny bit of improvement. For the boredom of everyday life. For the normality. For being able to forget about being thankful.
Tonight, I am sitting here and I promise to never forget. Once we get over this, I will never forget. I might not think of it every day. But when I will look at you, my darling, I will be so damn thankful. I promise that I will never look at you and your brother the same way. I will love you just like I did before. I will be proud of you just like I was before. I will be thankful just like I was before.
But I will do it more consciously.
I will pause more often.
To appreciate what it means to have a healthy child.
Hi there! I’m Tani De Gregorio. The one behind this little blog. ‘Our big Dubai adventure’ started about three years ago when I quit my job in a multinational in Switzerland to follow my husband to sunny Dubai where we are living now with our two little munchkins, Luca (3) and Maëva (nearly 2).
This blog is not about the glamorous life of an expat wife. There’s just too many baby wipes and too few high heels in my life for that.
Instead, it’s about our daily adventures in the sandpit. About motherhood away from home. It’s about the kids. About fun things for them to do. Things you might not have heard of otherwise. It’s about workshops. And cool places to explore. In this amazing city we call home. At least for a little while…
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What my kids taught me (so far)
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Tani, thanks for a well written and honest post. Your description of the awfulness of not knowing is so true. With dr google predicting anything under the sun, it definitly adds to your anxiety. I can’t offer any medical advice, but praying that you get some answers soon, and that it’s can be treated easily. ??
Thank you so much, Yolandie x
http://www.ihcdubai.com/doctors/michael-loubser/ Have you tried Dr Michael at Infinity?
Thanks a lot. Yes, we’ve see him
Such an emotionally charged story Tani which honestly, as a Mother, has definitely hit a chord. I sincerely wish I could recommend someone or share advice which could help you move forward. Will be thinking of you all. Big hugs X
Thanks so much for the nice words, Shea xxx
When I was training as a nutritional therapist there was a mum in my class who’s baby had blood in his stool. So much blood that his nappy looked like it had raspberry jam in it. They did every test and eventually found out he was allergic to rice. It’s not common but can happen. Or rather than being from the food it could be from pesticides or environmental pollutants on the food. It could also be an allergy to a chemical or mould etc.
Thanks, Elisabeth. I just talked with a doctor about that who also said that, even though extremely rare, rice can cause allergy as well. Will try to remove this from my diet and replace by potatoes, quinoa etc. as rice has indeed been a very big part of my diet the last weeks. Many thanks again
Thanks so much for the suggestion, Sayana. I will have a look at him. x
Mille mercis, c’est super gentil. What a nice idea to talk about everything we’re grateful for before going to bed. That’s something I will start doing with my kids as well. Especially Luca who is now 2 years old and starts to understand. I can imagine what you went through with your baby girl… It’s so so hard… But the good thing is that she is better now! I hope I will be able to say the same thing very soon. Grow bisons xxx
I hope little meave gets well soon.immedietly after reading this post it stuck me that we are only thankful with all our heart to god when the normal or boring period is gone.we underestimate boredom.the fact is untill all is not well we cant reach boredom and always underestimate it..this post was such a reality check .thank you for writing this and i hope your little one gets better.today i will thank god again for giving me a beautiful life.
Thanks for your message, Anuja, and glad you liked the post!
Including Maëva in our prayers and that you will get definite answer soon. Hugs
Thanks, Abigail. That means a lot xxx
I am sure this must have been a tough post to write. All this emotion in it made me cry and think about my own children and how thankful I should be. So thank YOU for the reminder and all my thoughts with your little one and with the worried mama….
Thanks so much for your nice words, Julia x
I feel you pain Tani. But trust me, just when you feel you can’t take it any longer, it starts getting better. Be strong, for the sake of your family. You will definitely get your answers soon. Warm hugs to you and the kids.
Thanks, dear. I hope so. Hugs back x
Oh my God Tani, this brought tears to my eyes. Hope little one gets well soon ?. And I think you are right when you talk about the second ones. I had really hard time with getting along the fact that I now have 2 to give them all my love and bE thankful for and not only 1. Your post is so touching and it’s a wake up call for everyone to always be thankful for even the little things in life. God bless your angels
It’s definitely different with two. This whole situation reminded me that it’s important to appreciate every single minute with both of them x
I found your blog accidentally, one day when I was looking through pregnancy stuff ( you know as pregnant-hormone driven usually women do) in my first trimester,you were already into your 3rd trimester I guess. I followed the updates since that day, and the birth of little Maëva gave me a lot of joy! I’m sorry that she has been sick, I guess there’s nothing more heartbreaking than watching your kids in pain, but I’m certain she’s gonna be just fine. Lots of prayers and love.
Thanks so much, Sandra. Oh, this actually makes me so happy that you followed my posts during pregnancy. Did you already deliver then? x
Nope, not yet. Almost 4 weeks more to go!
All the best then! Keep me posted x