The hardest thing…

My little angel,

Today was your second day of nursery. You were waking up early this morning, as if you knew that we needed to slightly adapt your nap time. We were playing all morning and I told you how much fun it would be to go to the nursery this afternoon.

I was not telling you that I was trying to convince myself of exactly that.

I was not telling you how hard it was for mummy to see you cry when I left you on your first day of nursery and how afraid I was to hear you cry again today.

I was not telling you that I felt like the worst mum on earth, that I felt so bad and guilty of putting you in a situation that made you cry so much and feel so sad.

I was not telling you that I was not so sure anymore if it was the right choice to start nursery already now. You’re still so young…

I was not telling you that I was up all night trying to find reasons that would justify our choice. And there are good reasons, I know. I just couldn’t see them anymore this night…

You will play with other children and make so many new friends. It is important to be with other kids, to learn how to play together, to share and to learn from each other.

You and me, we will appreciate time together even more. I promise, when you’re not at the nursery, I will be all yours. You won’t need to wait for mummy to finish the dishes, the laundry, the cleaning etc. anymore. I will do that when you are at the nursery. I will have so much more energy when we are together.

You will see that mummy always comes back. I would never leave you alone for a long time. You can always count on me. I am never really far away. Well, for the moment, I am even just behind the door, on my mobile, checking what is going inside the classroom via the webcam.

You will learn so many new things that mummy might not even have thought of! You will learn English nursery rhymes that even mummy doesn’t know. You will discover new games and instruments, new sounds, a new environment.

And you will learn that mummy cannot always be with you. I wish I could, my love. And I will be with you whenever I can. Always. But sometimes, mummy needs to spend some time doing something else. That doesn’t mean that I love you less. When I am not with you I realize even more how much you count for me.

When we arrived at the nursery today, you recognised the class room. You were looking at me. With fear. Don’t leave me again, your look seemed to say. You were starting to cry a lot. So I sat down for a while and played with you. Until you you felt a bit better. Then I kissed you and told you that I would be back very soon. I smiled but my heart broke when I left the room. It was the hardest thing to do…

You stayed for two hours today and I am so proud of you, my little Mr L. You were even playing a bit with the other kids. But above all I saw you crying when I watched the webcam. It was so damn hard… So many times I went to the classroom door and was about to open it… I will never forget your eyes when you saw me coming to pick you up. The big hug you gave me.

I know it will get easier after a while. I know we will be fine. One day, you will run into your classroom and not even look back and mummy might be standing there and cry.

It will just take some time.

Love you to the moon and back, my little man.

Your mummy

Mixed feelings after second day of nursery